It’s a deep night tonight. A night to contemplate intimacy, longing, image – and all the things that have kept me from love, joy and healing.
Why exactly do I trust other’s opinions and not my own heart? It’s a cop-out. A way to put the blame somewhere else in case things go wrong. I’ve read self-help. Asked for advice. Been given counsel. But it is time to put that all aside and discover what I really believe. To search my own reality – God and myself – on a journey of intimacy.
Cowardice. I long to be brave, but I still succumb to the will of public opinion. I fear if I live out my truth it will offend and I will be cast out, rebuked or ignored. What if my truth involves a complete transformation of belief and lifestyle? My truth is that I have been skimming the surface of this change for quite sometime and unwilling to take that next step due the “what ifs.”
Laziness. It’s simple to let others think for you. Follow A, B, C and BOOM – Success. Easy. Fast. But truth isn’t quick – it’s a slow process. An uphill climb. Putting away the programs and self-help tools which have become an addiction is hard. Very. But the rewards of taking time, doing the work of thinking for yourself – unmeasurable. The quick fix never satisfies. It’s lust when you are seeking true intimacy.
Unworthiness. Being trapped in the vicious cycle of “not enough” and “too much” – believing lies about yourself. Resisting intimacy due to layer upon layer negative images. Denying that you are fearfully and wonderfully made and that God has you engraved on His palms – He loves you, JUST AS YOU ARE. His love is not conditional – He’s not looking for achievements or perfection. He loves you in spite of your flaws – actually loves you because of them. The flaws give Him the opportunity to spread more grace.
What is my own journey leading me to?
Obedience. Honouring my God by being obedient to Him and not the opinions of the world. Daily praying to become who He created me to be – who He imagined before the beginning of the world. Praying for energy and strength to be this.
Self Love.Being comfortable in my own skin. Loving my body and honouring it’s power. Not concerned with outside opinion, but seeking health. Not looking at my body as a failure, rather embracing a change to balance. Seeking moderation in intake and exercise and enjoying my strength. Loving all aspect of my physicality – not just body shape, but height and flexibility and facial structure. Loving my laugh and voice. My smile and expressions. Disbelieving lies and false images. Acknowledging my failures and rising above them.
Recognizing my truths. Laying down masks and taking up my crown. I am uniquely made and my worship to God will be found in authenticity. My wisdom (from Him) will show my true nature. Immediately seeing falsehoods and pushing them aside. Embracing truth. Living quiet, calm and gentle.
I have been on the journey for many years now, but it always seems like I have so far to go. It always seems like I am just starting out. I forget how far I’ve come. When I look back at the hatred I had for myself. The abyss I lived in for years. The denial I walked. Anger. Self harm. Deception. Then I put those aside…
But still, I didn’t trust God. I depended on my own path. I chose my own path. But slowly I abandoned that way too.
Yes. I have come so far. And still so far to go to finish well. Oh, I will sin and often. I am sure of it. I chose to go His way. Many more mountains to climb, but we do it together. Without the opinions of others, just Him and I.