“Tell me where you felt I’ve let you down”

Let me back up a little. The desire is intimacy with God. What do my personal disappointments have to do with it?

A lot, actually.

If I reflect on my past I can see a lot of unfulfilled expectations. Sometimes, it has even seemed as though God was working in direct conflict with my deepest desires. Because of this I’ve had a difficult time trusting Him with my heart. I took each sorrow personally, as if He wanted to prevent me from finding happiness and peace. In the past four years, I have done deep soul work to learn to trust Him. Perhaps for the first time in my life.

The thing is: if you are trying to have intimacy with God, trust is paramount. You must believe that no matter the circumstance He is on your side. I admit, this was hard to grasp.

  • Where was He when I was struggling with mental illness?
  • What about when my career dreams fell through?
  • Why did He allow my teenage years to be rife family conflict?

All these years later I can’t offer any concrete explanation for His silence in these times. But the fact that I am still here and still dedicated to being His gives me enough evidence. Enough faith.

He gave me enough strength to die to my own desires and let go of bitterness and anger.

Is there anything remaining?

Sure, there is. It’s not a something causing me bitterness or anger (anymore, that is). It’s just one of those, “Really, God? You deny me this?” situations.

“Tell me where you felt I’ve let you down”

Since, I was a little girl I always thought I’d be married. And yet, at 47, I remain single. Most days I’m okay with this. I’ve gotten on with the business of life.

But other days…

I am seized with fear. “I’m going to always be alone.”

Or I’m lonely.

Or I’m needing to be touched

Or I’m even facing practical frustration: fiscally, it’s harder being single than married.

I admit it. Sometimes I feel like God has let me down.


Catch the irony?


I whine about my longing for intimacy with another human being while the God of all creation desires me as bride.

Please don’t misunderstand. There is nothing wrong with seeking the desires of your heart. But when you pursue intimacy with God, He makes the worldly secondary. What’s more He sets your desires where they should be.

Most Christians have memorized Psalm 37:4:

“Take delight in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

Sounds great, doesn’t it? I live joyfully in the Lord and He will give me what I want!

What if it’s not about getting what we want but rather Him giving us the RIGHT desires. What if aligning ourselves with God in intimate relationship will change our heart so we only desire what is His best?

As I continue to take delight in the Lord, my desire remains the same. It sits in my daily prayers. In the joys and in the sorrows. What it doesn’t do is take God’s place as the first King of my heart. Putting the desire in its proper place has opened me up to the greater love and intimacy of God.

The journey of intimacy continues and I will share more as time goes on, but for now I feel as though I am on the cusp of something profound. Birthed in obedience, continuing in grace.



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