I had a setback last week. Something out of my control, however it awakened some dark and confusing feelings about my self-worth. I was angry, yes, but I also felt shame. I jumped right back on that carousel of suffering I thought I’d let behind.
Round and around again…
“Why did this happen?”
“What is wrong with me?”
“Why can’t I just get it together?”
“Where am I supposed to go from here?”
But then I realized I had no control over this setback – literally. There was nothing I could have done to change the outcome. I mean, I own that I mess up – a lot. Yet, this one was not on me.
It still was painful.
To deal with the disappointment, I moved to anger…
“How dare they treat me this way?”
“Who do they think they are?”
“I was used and abandoned!”
The anger dissipated. I couldn’t be bothered with it.
On the surface? Sure, there is some residual pain and feelings of rejection, but when I examine the situation deeply? Nothing. I don’t mean to sound glib, but I just don’t care.
This is a very, very good thing.
I am beginning to consistently reject the idea that I need to be something to others. Instead I choose to walk authentically in truth. And the truth is…
“I am good at what I do.”
“I am loved by people.” “
“I will find my way – I just need to keep getting up and moving forward.”
It’s even more than that…
“I am fearfully and wonderfully made!”
“I am a child of God and He has my best interests at heart.”
“He is honing me and shaping me into the best use of His creation.”
Yes. There was a setback.
But the setback has awakened something new in me. It has afforded me the ability to explore something I’ve been wanting to do. If this disappointment hadn’t happened I don’t know if I would have been open to be led in this direction.
But here I am. On the cusp of a new adventure. Scared and happy and unsure – all at the same time. One certain thing is the knowledge God will be with me, every step of the way.