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I killed a spider this morning.

It was big, hairy and unwelcome.

I didn’t scream. No yelling for help.

Instead I questioned, “Really?” How dare he come into my home in the dead of winter.

Then I quickly disposed of him.

Remarkable? Not to you maybe. But if you knew me years ago you’d know this was close to a miraculous reaction. You see, I used to be arachnophobic. I would freeze in terror at the sight of any spider. Cry, even. Beg my dad to KILL IT!!!

Now? Meh. I conquered the fear. I still don’t like them, but I am no longer a slave to the fear. One night alone in the house with a massive wolf spider stalking me. It was either him or me. And it was my day for victory. Ha! One night and BAM! The terror is gone.

I ask myself why I was able to defeat my fear of spiders, but still retain so many other fears. Fears of being unworthy. Of achieving nothing. Of nothing ever changing. Of… well. You get it.

Because shame. Shame.

As Brene Brown says: Guilt says, I did something bad. Shame says, I AM BAD. And unfortunately, shame isn’t conquered by sole of a heavy shoe. It’s predatory. It lingers. Stalking our deepest lack. The being “not enough” or “too much” – it’s a stealth hunter.

I’m beginning to realize the hold shame has had on me for most of my life. And quite frankly? I’m done. I’m too tired for this crap. So I’m going to start exploring the theme of shame in my blog. I recognize I have a lot to learn – and more than learn. I need to create some habits which counter the fear. Make no mistake. The “enemy prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.” I’m tired of being his prey.

I invite you to follow along in the next few weeks as I explore issues these issues of shame and the havoc they have played in my life. More than that, I would love if you would engage in the conversation. Let me know what your experience of shame is.

Prayers, love and hugs to all of you. This one’s a biggie.

 

 

4 thoughts on “Fear of…

  1. By the way, if that spider picture is of the one you killed….I am super impressed by your bravery. I would likely have picked up my dog and ran into the street screaming and for sure I would have called my dad or my 80 year old neighbour to kill it for me. You go girl!!

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  2. Shame is normal. We are sinners. Our very nature is flawed; we fall short, we are undeserving and not good enough. It is IMPOSSIBLE to find healing from shame without first shedding our addiction to control. I truly believe that is at the “heart” of it all.
    The deeper we allow ourselves to “wade” into the River of Life and give up control of being the ruler of our fate (or others for that matter), the less room there should be for shame to have any power. I hope that make sense?
    How do we do we give up control completely to God? I am NO expert at this. It is a daily struggle to lay down what I WANT my life to look like and give Him praise for the beauty of the life He has CALLED me into.
    I want to be loved and valued; pursued, beautiful, worthy of respect and important to the people around me. I try my best to act, dress, say and live how I want others to see me, but in my humanness I have already failed because I am trying to control how others feel and that is recipe for disaster. If I fail at this or if others fail to notice how fabulous I am, ☺ shame has room to flourish.
    The truth is I am actually all of those things to my Savior because of His sacrifice and ONLY because of His blood do I have the possibility of freedom from shame but I have to choose to walk in that freedom daily. I am learning that as I give myself permission (without excuse) to “feeling” all the normal emotions this world affords me…shame actually leaves. (BUT, there is a catch) In it’s place; other (sometimes unwelcome) emotions appear…loneliness, hurt, anger, and yes fear will make their appearance and this is where I have a choice. To embrace these normal feelings, breath them in and experience them as part of my life and then give them up to God to do as He wills as I breath them out. To love my tears as much as I love my laughter because they are both necessary for me to have a beautiful life.

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