I killed a spider this morning.
It was big, hairy and unwelcome.
I didn’t scream. No yelling for help.
Instead I questioned, “Really?” How dare he come into my home in the dead of winter.
Then I quickly disposed of him.
Remarkable? Not to you maybe. But if you knew me years ago you’d know this was close to a miraculous reaction. You see, I used to be arachnophobic. I would freeze in terror at the sight of any spider. Cry, even. Beg my dad to KILL IT!!!
Now? Meh. I conquered the fear. I still don’t like them, but I am no longer a slave to the fear. One night alone in the house with a massive wolf spider stalking me. It was either him or me. And it was my day for victory. Ha! One night and BAM! The terror is gone.
I ask myself why I was able to defeat my fear of spiders, but still retain so many other fears. Fears of being unworthy. Of achieving nothing. Of nothing ever changing. Of… well. You get it.
Because shame. Shame.
As Brene Brown says: Guilt says, I did something bad. Shame says, I AM BAD. And unfortunately, shame isn’t conquered by sole of a heavy shoe. It’s predatory. It lingers. Stalking our deepest lack. The being “not enough” or “too much” – it’s a stealth hunter.
I’m beginning to realize the hold shame has had on me for most of my life. And quite frankly? I’m done. I’m too tired for this crap. So I’m going to start exploring the theme of shame in my blog. I recognize I have a lot to learn – and more than learn. I need to create some habits which counter the fear. Make no mistake. The “enemy prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.” I’m tired of being his prey.
I invite you to follow along in the next few weeks as I explore issues these issues of shame and the havoc they have played in my life. More than that, I would love if you would engage in the conversation. Let me know what your experience of shame is.
Prayers, love and hugs to all of you. This one’s a biggie.