(It’s been one of those times. A few months feeling the same. A lingering illness. The blahs. I’m reposting as maybe you can relate?)
It’s been hard to get the words out lately.
I know, in theory, I should be writing daily, but I just don’t seem to have it in me. I’m currently experiencing some emotional fragility, bordering on depression. From the outside looking in, life is good. I have fulfilling work. A beautiful home. People who love me. People I love. Unfortunately, depression – real depression – doesn’t care about the good things. It pushes you into the deep waters of hopelessness, regardless of your place in life. And I am teetering on the edge.
Depression seems to be surfacing from unknowns in the future. I’ve written about my desire for romantic love – and yes, this is genuine. But I can’t help thinking part of this desire is due to the fear I have of being alone in this world. That all whom I love will be gone and I will be here. Alone. And it terrifies me. I’ve always been a bit of a loner. I’ve never quite figured out whether I’m this way because of nature or circumstance. I suspect the latter.
I’m an introvert in that I need time alone when life gets too much. There’s probably not a little bit of social anxiety mixed in. Yet, I love people. I just don’t trust them not to hurt me. Disappoint me. Reject me. And that’s the crux of it all. Rejection. A few pivotal rejections in my youth seem to have set a sad pattern in my life. It became easier to not be open, truly open, than to experience rejection. Simpler to stay detached than to risk hurt. What do you do with a highly sensitive heart and soul? A sensitive soul that feels like death with each rejection? I know I take it all too deeply. Such is the nature of who I am.
The real question is: where do I go from here?
Am I going to walk into my 50’s still afraid? Still unknown?
Or am I going to take a deep breath and dive into intimacy with others?
And if I do dive in, what are my first steps?
How do you let others love you?
So much to unpack. But I know God enough to realize He wouldn’t be stirring this up in me if it weren’t crucial to my spiritual growth. I long to become all that He created me to be and this is just another step on the journey. As I said in my most recent post, my goal this year is to be love and be loved. I pray for the discernment and direction to realize this goal.