The Sacred Mess

Seeing as it’s January and close enough to the beginning of the year I thought I’d start my new imperfect blog with my word of the year: Pause

Last year my word was silence. The word comes out of some deep soul work about who I am and who God has created me to be. As a youngest child I always felt I needed to talk loudly so I could be heard over my much older brothers. As I grow old/er, I’m recognizing that being super chatty isn’t the real me. In spaces of peace and safety I let others take the lead and I enjoy remaining the silent observer. I would even say being quiet is my most pure state, but life and lack and all sorts of trauma robbed me of this. That and the need for validation from others. When I feel the “imposter syndrome” creeping up I get verbal and look to others to assure me of my place.

“Silence” became a key space to retreat and work out my real feelings about life matters.

This year’s word is “Pause.” Rest a bit. Don’t feel you need to respond right away. When you experience the trauma triggers, back off and take some space. Don’t run from conflict, rather work out the reality of the situation before you deal. Find calm.

My biggest trigger is being thought of as stupid or incapable. I suppose it’s because I was never the prettiest or the wittiest or the one who was popular. But I was smart. And when I am made to feel stupid – whether by intent or accident – I don’t handle it well.

In 2023 I am committing to learn how to pause. To value myself and my ideas and opinions. Take space when the triggers come by accessing safe thoughts and reactions.

And beyond triggers I want to embrace pause in other parts of life. Take time to meditate. Listen to the bird song on my walks. Be in the moment and not always let the moment run away from me in busyness. Learn a more gentle way.