The Sacred Mess

I've been in the midst of conflict as of late. 

Not the REASON for the conflict, but a unwilling participant. 
I've always been the fighter - but I'm finally learning to lay down my sword. 

Because...
Is the fight worth it? 

Or is it like the Alan Watts quote:

"What can you do when there is nothing to do? Observe. And everything happens by itself: you breathe, the wind blow, the trees shake, your blood circulates, and your nerves tingle. 
Everything happens all by itself."

Today I dealt with old conflict, new conflict and conflict completely out of my control. 

The old conflict is partially on me. I admit it. Still, I'm not the only one in the mess. I can't control the other persons. I simply choose not to engage in the mess. 

The new conflict is beyond the bounds of my "position." When it all comes down, I need someone with more power to take over the reins.

The conflict out of my control RAGED around me. Whew. What a mess. But somehow I was able to step out of myself and put it aside. Not my circus, not my monkeys. 

And I have to tell you - it felt GOOD!

So good that it gives me hope for my future and makes me feel I can do this life/relationships thing. 

I do find it curious that I prayed about this stuff LAST NIGHT and boom! today conflict. If I could stay this rooted most of the time I would be pretty dang happy. 

And maybe my idea of who God is has been all wrong.  
 
Yet, I know He is love. 

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. 
Christ is the absolute blessed assurance. 

Maybe in the silence I can listen better. 
Goodness knows I am tired of the sound of my own voice. 

If I could only speak all the words in love. All the words. 
If I could only rest in faith that I am Imago Dei and the creation of me is perfect in God's eyes. 

And that I am always evolving. 

Observe. It's not about not engaging, rather it's the ceding of control. 

I can't make my home sell. 
I can't make a perfect condo appear. 
I can't force someone to love me. 
I can't do all the things...

I can, however, observe. 
Everything happens by itself. 
With or without my imput. 
Everything happens by itself. 

My controlling it, or rather TRYING to control it won't change the direction. 
Everything happens by itself.