Found this on Medium and loved it! It gives me freedom to write and not have to know everything!
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“Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” John Lennon
Isn’t that the truth.
A startling realization hit me today: I’m no longer young. I know, not so intuitive of me… but take into account that I’ve always been the youngest in my family and that I’m not married and haven’t seen a houseful of kids grow up… it was quite a shock!
I mean, I KNOW I’m 53, but WOW! I’m 53!
No whining allowed, but being single until this age places you in a funny sort of holding pattern in life. Like a airliner circling the runway to land, but never receiving clearance to do so from the control tower.
To be fair I’ve not regretted being single. In fact, in my circle I’m the only one who isn’t divorced! Still there is something missing. Like the rocket of life has had a failure to launch.
I could write a book about how growing up in the church prepared me for NOTHING in life. When you don’t fall into the “proper”categories and expectations (damn, I hate that word!) aren’t met? You’re kinda flying blind.
But church upbringing is a tangent for another day.
So I’m old. “Young” old, but still past the middle of life. And the shock of that made me realize I don’t have a lot of time to do the things I’ve always wanted to do.
Not big things, like climbing Kilimanjaro or getting a PhD. Rather good, simple things daily. A few fun adventures. Maybe some more writing and learning to oil paint.
All of which I have put off. Because I’m lazy, busy or too stubborn to start.
But I realize I can’t put things off anymore. I’m going to start small RIGHT NOW.
I’m going to finish knitting that sweater that has given me so many issues in getting the sleeves right.
I’m going to start researching a trip to the UK and visit some Celtic “thin places.”
I’m going to work on that mystery novel. Go for a daily nature walk. Increase my meditation practice and start doing yoga.
I’m going to land the air plane of my life before it’s too late. And if things don’t work out? That’s okay! At least I was living.
Whew. This turned into much more manifesto than blog post.
Still, don’t we all need a swift kick from time to time to remind us that tomorrow can’t wait forever?
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When I say I am tired what I am really saying is “I’m weary from the fight.” But laying down the sword isn’t always an option. The work isn’t the issue – caregiving elderly parents, grief from two deaths in the last year, work responsibilities, a potential move – it’s a lot. Still it’s more about HOW I deal.
Most people in my sphere know I have Tourette’s syndrome, but it’s become clear with added stress there is more going on than that. A diagnosis of Tourette’s has a close relationship with being on the autism spectrum. I’ve always been quick to dismiss this for myself because I’ve worked with low functioning autistics and saw no connection.
Recent years the diagnosis has become less stringent. Mild to severe traits encompass the label autistic. And I don’t know if I agree with that – sometimes it seems everyone with personality issues is on the spectrum. Sometimes, I think it’s an excuse for bad behaviour and not wanting to do growth work.
However…
Those who know me know I’m always in the work. Always taking on a challenge. Therefore, I thought I’d do a bit of research a la Google.
Autism diagnosis methods in girls and women is still in its infancy. Autism has historically been a “male” issue. But in recent years with language around autism changing there is new insight into what women face.
These are the words that caught my eye:
Masking
Anxiety
Mirroring other strong females.
Retreat from conflict
Sensory issues
Enough of the language resonated with me that I took some tests: some weak assessments, but several detailed university sponsored diagnostic tools.
The results? Marginal. That is, I’m fairly confident I’m on the spectrum, but not in a debilitating way.
And what does this mean? Seriously? It’s not like there is a drug that can fix it…
Going back to “how to deal” – how do I go forward with the knowledge? Because what I’m doing certainly isn’t working for me.
A. Clear diagnosis – talk to my doctor about assessment. One thing I learned from my Tourette’s diagnosis 20 plus years ago is a diagnosis can be empowering and healing for the history of pain.
B. Take on less. Honestly, the past six months has been too much. If I pass on some responsibility there will be someone else that can take it up. (Hopefully!)
C. Be gentle with myself. A continuing issue in my life has been my inability to take it easy in my head. Life, has always been a battle, perceived or real. It doesn’t do me any good to dwell on my “lack.” Instead, I need to learn rest.
And right now I’m tired. Exhausted really. Feeling a bit trapped by life. Still all the discovery is a start. A beginning to find a place of rest and rest and rest.
The Sacred Mess 