More than this…

I don’t want to deconstruct anymore, yet I haven’t found a clear path through the bad theology and uncertain translations.

I’m not 100% sure about becoming an ex-vangelical, or even if I was an evangelical in the first place.  

I’m certain of my God, but suspicious of the men and women who claim to speak in His name. Of the under-trained. The patriarchal systems. The lack of humility. The questionable exegesis. The audacity of thinking their way is the correct way, or worse, the only way.

All this assurance with time rarely spent on their knees.

And it’s clear I’m not the only inhabiting this space.

So where do I go from here? Do I abandon everything? Do I toss it all up in the air and hope it comes down in a way that makes sense?

The corrupt has always been here. Always lived in the faith. Fear has kept me from standing against it. Fear of being cast out, ignored, seen as an apostate. Sitting and accepting marginal theology and half-hearted grace.

Maybe it’s my age. Maybe it’s the times. But I’m longing for more. More than the four songs on Sunday, announcements and a sermon. More than trite answers to deep questions. More than doing, but being.

Still, I’m not up for a “fight” – nor do I think a fight is what is needed. I think I need a different way – soft. A passive resistance. I can choose to live in gentleness. (TBC)