Courtesy of AI: Enmeshment refers to a relationship dynamic characterized by blurred or unclear boundaries, often between family members, where individuals are overly involved in each other’s lives and emotions, potentially leading to a lack of autonomy and individuality.

In my religious little bubble this meant honoring your father and mother…

“Honor your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise: If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.” Ephesians 6:2-3

Which meant keeping the family peace to the detriment of my personal peace.

I’m currently breaking those bonds and creating boundaries; it’s not simple. The physical pain and exhaustion caused by disengaging myself from the mess has been surprising. I expected emotional suffering for doing what needed to be done, but not body aches, brain fog and migraine headaches. I suppose the the body does “keep score.”

(I’m not ready to share details – I may never be – but simply my father is an abusive narcissist and my mother is the abused, rapidly deteriorating with dementia. I will always be there for my mom, but I’ve gone completely no-contact with my father.)

I’ve no doubt I’m honoring my mother. She is growing softer and more delicate with her condition; I just want her safe. It won’t be long before she will need to be transferred to a complex care facility as she is declining fast. But if her days can have joy, if she can be outside in the sun, visited by old friends – I will be at peace. Her journey here is nearing the end and I pray for a gentle transition.

As to my father.

My parent’s don’t live together anymore. My father can’t care for my mother. He has no patience. His needs come before anyone else. He’s a textbook narcissist. That word is used a lot today, but this isn’t a simple case of a child always getting their way. It’s a pathological inability to put anyone above himself. His needs have always come first. Regardless of the suffering of my mother. She was the consistent bread-winner. He was getting fired from another job. She was the care-giver for her children. He only cared about his kids as how they reflected on him.

So what exactly is honoring my father?

First off, I honor my heavenly father first by asking:

Is it honoring to allow someone to continue in abuse?

Is it honoring to let someone hold a whole family prisoner for their desires?

Is it honoring to continue to create comfort for someone who takes and never gives?

How do you honor the dishonorable?

For me this has meant going no-contact. There was no big fight between my father and I. I just ghosted. To some that may seem cruel, but from my view it was the only way. There were only two outcomes from continued contact: 1. I would completely lose my temper with him for hurting my mother once again, then feel awful for my words and actions (even if I think he deserved them) or 2. I would become once again enmeshed – lighting myself on fire to keep him warm – as someone close to me said.

How do I honor my father? Pray for him. Keep the boundaries up and don’t fight back. Forgive him, but leave him to God’s will and way.

This has been difficult. Three months in, it’s still not easy. But it is necessary. Dare I say it? It’s the holy choice. It’s the choice that God has given me peace with.

Honestly? I don’t believe my father will change. I know God can work miracles, but one has to be willing to receive the healing. I believe he will go to his grave with grudges and resentment.

And yet, I finally believe, it’s not my responsibility. It’s not in my control. I’m bowing out of the mess and choosing to walk away with growing peace in my heart.

What’s next?

I look outside to the sunny Spring day – the day before Good Friday – and think maybe this season of renewal is for me, too. Time to bury the pain and walk out in healing. Time to re-ignite passions and restore mental order. There are birds singing… perhaps I can find my song again.