The Sacred Mess

I’ve been contemplating therapy for a few years but I’ve always stopped myself because I thought it was too expensive or that I was my own best psychologist. One day I was on the Kelowna feed of Reddit (of all things!) and someone was requesting recommendations for a therapist specializing in one certain condition. A condition I suspected I have. It seemed like a sign from above so I went on the therapist’s website and filled out the intake form.

I heard back from her, filled out some assessments and was soon sitting in an online session with a 20 something MSW and being asked a lot of complicated questions about my life. When it came to the end of the test, the score was tallied and a basic assessment was given. With a score of 65 or more an individual is strongly considered having a particular neurological issue. I scored 184. As per this assessment, there was considerable evidence that I fall on the autism spectrum.

(I want to stop here and explain this assessment does not diagnose me with autism. The full diagnosis is a long process which can only be done in conjunction with an MD. It is, however, a starting point for an expected end result. Also it’s only been in the last few years, with the release of the DSM-V, that the term I might have be labelled was retired: Asperger’s syndrome. Now, all those individuals fall on the autism spectrum – some displaying certain aspects of the condition more than others.)

I’d like to say this was a surprise but it wasn’t. Rather it’s just a confirmation and an answer to some questions I’ve been having, such as: why am I so bad with relationships, why do people say I’m so blunt with my opinions, why do I need so much time to recover from social situations… the list goes on.

The great thing about my therapist is she loves resources and I love reading. I started reading several of her recommendations and more things started to click for me. Official diagnosis or not, I am convinced I am on the autism spectrum.

So now my question is “Now what?” There are no medications to help autism. Most treatments for the condition are outdated and deemed cruel by the autism community. So what now?

Now, I do what I’ve always done. I write. I write about what I’ve experienced and what I’ve struggled with. I write about what I agree with in the emerging spectrum society and what I don’t. And because I’m a deeply spiritual person I write about my God and how I walk out my life in this new reality.

So going forward, this blog is going to be a bit different. I’m still a mess. I’m still living in the sacred. I’m still a sacred mess, but now there is an opportunity to share things that have always been difficult for me – now knowing the reason why. I haven’t decided whether to pursue an official diagnosis or not, but if do, I will write about that as well.